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Self-Evaluation

Posted by Mark | Filed under Humor

Like many wage slaves in the US today, I recently had to fill out a self-evaluation form. After doing so, I started to won­der what these use­less time wasters would look like if both the employer & employee were being com­pletely hon­est…

Employee Self-Appraisal Form

Instruc­tions

To com­plete elec­tron­i­cally, use the Tab key to go to the next field. To com­plete analo­gly: print this off, pull that pen out of your ass ear and scrib­ble in your answers.

Name: Mark
Enslave­ment Date: 02 June 1997
Depart­ment: Crappy Code Catch­ers
Job Title: Inten­si­fi­ca­tion Whiz
Appraisal Period: From — Then, To — Now

Objec­tive

This form is designed for you to explain to man­age­ment how you’re screw­ing the com­pany out of it’s money. It’s your chance to step back from the day-to-day pres­sures of your thrall­dom, and take an hon­est look at where you’ve been, where you are and what other com­pany you might want to go to in the future.

Appraisal Pro­ce­dures:

1. Com­plete this Self Appraisal Form, print out, and return to your man­ager via CONFIDENTIAL Interof­fice enve­lope. Do NOT send your via diskettes or Inter­net email! Do NOT save this form to either the cor­po­rate LAN or your cor­po­rate PC hard drive! If you must save the doc­u­ment, please do so on a floppy disk. This way we can be sure that the orig­i­nal copy of your review can never be recov­ered should you decide to dis­agree with management’s assess­ment of your worthlessness.
2. Your super­vi­sor will com­plete his appraisal of you. Most likely, this will take next to no time at all as they’re just going to blow you off exactly like they did last year. Man­age­ment will then review your self appraisal and your supervisor’s eval­u­a­tion to develop a GOALS & PERSONAL IMPROVEMENT PLAN for you to review before they fire you.
3. Super­vi­sor meets with you to give you your ter­mi­na­tion notice. Dur­ing this exit inter­view, you and the super­vi­sor will dis­cuss each appraisal topic, areas that need to be addressed, your career path, and the steps that need to be taken to get you on your way to your next employer. Spe­cific goals will be set for the next review period; if you are so for­tu­nate as to be stay­ing with our company.
4. The orig­i­nal form must be signed and then placed in your per­ma­nent record. That way when your mind finally snaps; we can turn it over to the NSA.

Ele­ments of your Job:

Describe your pri­mary respon­si­bil­i­ties and duties — your job descrip­tion, as you under­stand it. While we’ve changed your job descrip­tion approx­i­mately 8 times in 6 months; if you get this wrong, you will be fired.
Avoid­ing as much real work as pos­si­ble.
Main­tain­ing the illu­sion that I’m doing real work when­ever under direc­tion obser­va­tion by either a super­vi­sor or a man­ager.
Col­lect pay­checks.
Eat the free donuts.

Accom­plish­ments:

List your major accom­plish­ments and con­tri­bu­tions dur­ing this past review period. If you didn’t have any, don’t expect to be get­ting another pay check from us.
Avoided being down­sized dur­ing reorganization.

Improve­ments made since your last appriasal:

What have you done to make it worth our while to keep you around instead of hir­ing a chimp to do your job?
Pho­tographed com­pany CEO “boink­ing” his sec­re­tary, but haven’t given copies of the images to his wife.

Self-Management:

Face it, you’re a screw up and we know it. So be hon­est and tell us exactly how you’ve been screw­ing up this year.
Failed to find another job.

Job Sat­is­fac­tion:

A) What part of your job inter­ests you the most?
Pay­day.
B) The least?
Com­ing to work every day.

Train­ing:

Is what part of your job do you feel par­tic­u­larly infe­rior?
Com­ing to work.

What got in your way:

Find some­thing (or some­body else) to blame for your short­com­ings this year.
It’s all Wally’s fault.

Fully Util­i­tized:

How can we more fully exploit you?
I plead the 5th.

Per­sonal Influences:

Note any per­sonal fac­tors that you feel should be con­sid­ered in your present assign­ment or future jobs.
Do you mean beside that bong I smoked after chug­ging down my mar­tini lunch?

Leadership/Employee Devel­op­ment

List for us all the ways you were able to bully your cow-orkers and/or under­lings into doing your work for you.
See my answer to “Improve­ments made since your last appriasal:”

List project goals you are cur­rently focused on:

• Col­lect­ing my paycheck.
• Build­ing up vacation/sick time.
• Cal­cu­lat­ing the max­i­mum amount of belly-button lint that will fit in an empty Coke can.

Per­sonal improve­ment goals:

Since we know you’ve spent the past year screw­ing around on com­pany time; can you list some things you could do to improve your pro­duc­tiv­ity (if you were still work­ing here next year)?
I could try actu­ally work­ing for once.

Where do you want your career to go:

What com­pany do you want to be work­ing in one year? In three years? In five years?
Screw all this, I just wanna win the Power­ball and be inde­pen­den­tally wealthy for the rest of my life.

Gen­eral man­age­ment comments:

Since we all know you’re going to be fired; here’s your one real shot to blame man­age­ment for your fail­ures. Note to sec­re­tary: Please cover this sec­tion in white-out before pass­ing on to man­age­ment. Thanks!
You’re all a bunch of bleepards!

Addi­tional comments:

Any part­ing words?
Piss off!

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