Author Archives: Mark

The Water Slide Incident

At the ER

Photo courtesy o' Kevin H.

Last Sunday, I went up t' Wisconsin fer a user conference fer work. This particular conference had approximately 18,000 attendees this year, fillin' every hotel in a 70 mile radius. The hotel we got were bein' th' Great Wolf Lodge in th' Wisconsin Dells, about an hour away from th' conference site. Attached t' our hotel is a water park and our rooms all came with free passes. Unfortunately, th' water park closes at 9pm and our hotel is th' last stop on th' shuttle bus back from th' conference site; so fer most o' th' week I’ve not been able t' get down there before it closes.

Last night, I finally got me chance. I headed down t' th' park with Kevin (one o' me shipmates); we bumped into another shipmate while we were down there and then started hittin' up th' rides, and dinna spare the whip! Our first ride were bein' th' Tornado; as this ride requires a minimum o' two victims passengers  t' ride it. To get on this thin', ye grab an inner tube shaped somethin' like a four-leaf clover that’s about 6 foot square. Then ye climb a ridiculous number o' stairs t' get t' th' stop o' th' ride. A staff member holds yer inner tube in place as ye all climb in; then they shove ye down th' ride. The more people ye have, th' faster/farther up th' sides o' th' ride th' ye go.

After ridin' that twice we hit a bunch o' th' other rides and it were bein' gettin' near t' closin' time. Walk the plank, avast! I were bein' hopin' we were goin' t' hit th' hot tub t' relax before we left and that’s where we appeared t' be goin' 1 As we headed that way, me shipmates were walkin' a bit faster than me and ran into another patron o' th' park interested in tryin' out th' Tornado, but who didn’t have anybody willin' t' go with that comely wench. We all agreed that once more would be fun and went back up th' Tornado, pass the grog! Only this time with four people we were really whippin' through th' ride. It were bein' gloriously fast and fun until we hit th' last part o' th' slide and th' inner tube went too high up one side with me at th' top.

Gravity took o'er and I came crashin' down towards th' wench we’d just met and convinced t' try th' ride, pass the grog! And swab the deck! Fortunately I missed that comely wench and only hit me head smack dab on th' ride itself. My next clear thought were bein' when we ended-up in th' shallow pool at th' base o' th' ride, and a bucket o' chum. The lifeguard were bein' up, alerted t' our not havin' come out on top o' th' inner tube, and askin' if we were ok, and a bottle of rum, with a chest full of booty! My head were bein' poundin' and I heard one o' me shipmates say I were bein' bleedin'. I started t' get out o' th' water but they park staff had me wait there while they got additional help. There were people rushin' aroun' me, by Davy Jones' locker. I heard that somebody chipped a tooth 2. And swab the deck! Fire the cannons! I also heard that th' wench we’d ridden th' ride with/fer had gotten hit in th' face and were bein' expectin' t' have a nasty black eye, we'll keel-haul ye! I tried apologizin' t' that comely wench and askin' if she were bein' ok, but didn’t get a clear answer. 3

Eventually th' park admiral came o'er and then they finally let me get out o' th' water. They started fillin' out an incident report while tapin' some gauze up o'er me wound. Kevin left t' ride one o' our shipmates who had driven themselves t' th' conference, as most o' us had ridden a chartered bus up. People kept askin' me if I were bein' ok, so I’m guessin' I looked a right mess, though th' only thin' that hurt were bein' me forehead. The staff gave me some towels and suggested that I might want t' clean meself up some 4. Then Kevin were bein' back with our ride and off t' th' ER we went. Once we got t' th' ER, there were bein' a short wait until we could get served and that’s when Kevin took th' stunningly handsome photo attached t' this post.

Then we were moved t' an exam room, th' nurses took a bunch o' readin's off o' me. We talked a bit o' shoptalk 5. They got me all cleaned-up; then told me I had a 4cm cut along and just above me left eyebrow. The doc came in next and put in 10 stitches t' hold th' cut shut 6, pass the grog! Once I were bein' all stitched up; they did some assessment tests and told me while I had a concussion 7; they didn’t think I’d need a CT scan as I passed all th' neurological tests they had me do with flyin' colors. Then it were bein' back t' th' hotel t' grab some sleep; on th' same back, our ride 8 told me that I would not be attendin' th' final day o' th' conference. Instead I were bein' authorized (ordered?) t' rest up and then told he’d be sailin' me back when I were bein' ready t' go. I basically slept th' entire ride home and most o' th' day once I got home.

So now ye know th' origin o' th' photo that some o' ye saw posted t' Facebook and th' reason why there wasn’t a photo o' th' day yesterday (and why there’s really not one fer today either).

TL;DR: I hit me head on a water slide, got stitches and now am restin' comfortably at home.


  1. I’d left me glasses with me shirt & shoes, as any o' th' rides could have ripped them away from me face.
  2. That turned out t' be th' shipmate we ran into when we got t' th' park
  3. Though at one point, she did say she’d be walkin' aroun' th' conference tomorrow lookin' like she’d been in a bar fight. To which I responded, she should point anybody who said that at me and say I lost that fight.
  4. Head wounds, especially head wounds that get wet, sure do bleed a lot.
  5. The software that me shipmates and I work with is th' same EMR/S that they were usin' at this hospital.
  6. The winsome lass also did a far, far, far better job injectin' th' local anesthesia than th' last time I had stitches
  7. Or maybe they said I only likely had a concussion? I were bein' havin' trouble concentratin' through th' pain at this point.
  8. Who happens t' be th' director I currently work fer

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