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FAQ to Hell

Posted by Mark | Filed under Oddities

One of my co-workers/friends went to Hell* recently and upon his return sent out this FAQ regard­ing his visit.

Is there a high­way to Hell?
Yes. It is Michi­gan county road D-32. And yes, I was also dis­ap­pointed with this des­ig­na­tion. For fun, the res­i­dents of Hell like to call the high­way Route 666, but appar­ently the offi­cials of Liv­ingston County don’t have a sense of humor.

Is the road to Hell really paved with good inten­tions?
Yes. But, not sur­pris­ingly, good inten­tions look and feel a lot like asphalt.

Is Hell under-ground?
The vil­lage of Hell is not under-ground. Or, at least the tourist spots aren’t. It’s pos­si­ble that the shop I stopped in had a back way to the under-ground areas of Hell, but appar­ently I didn’t have secu­rity clear­ance to see that.

Isn’t it true that once you enter Hell, you can never leave?
Yes, unless you are awarded an exit visa. In order to secure an exit visa, all you have to do is buy some­thing in Hell’s gift shop.

Uh… that doesn’t make sense. If all it took to get out of Hell was to buy a hokey sou­venir, wouldn’t tor­tured souls be leav­ing Hell in droves?
Tor­tured souls don’t have money. Duh. And besides, what can be more tor­tur­ous than know­ing that you could escape Hell if only you had one lousy dol­lar to buy a “See You In Hell” refrig­er­a­tor mag­net? (There is one the­olo­gian who believes that Hell exit visas did, in fact, result in a mass exo­dus from Hell in 1992, explain­ing the unusu­ally high num­ber of peo­ple who, in the pres­i­den­tial elec­tion that year, voted for Ross Perot.)

What is the tem­per­a­ture of Hell?
This is a very impor­tant ques­tion, as peo­ple are con­stantly say­ing things like, “It’s hot­ter than Hell” or “It’s colder than Hell”, clearly with­out know­ing what they are talk­ing about. The truth is, the tem­per­a­ture in the vil­lage of Hell varies, like the rest of Michi­gan, with the sea­sons. This makes sense when you think about it. Noth­ing says “Hell” like not know­ing what to wear in the spring and fall.

Did you see any demons?
Since demons typ­i­cally move about in dis­guise, this is an impos­si­ble ques­tion to answer. I did see a guy dri­ving a pickup with a “Perot in ‘04” bumper-sticker on it, though.

Did you meet Satan?
No. Con­trary to pop­u­lar belief, Satan does not reside in Hell. No rock stars were liv­ing there either. Not above-ground, anyway.

Did Hell look any­thing like Dante’s Inferno?
Dante’s Inferno is a work of fic­tion. I sup­pose it’s pos­si­ble that the under-ground areas of Hell, if they exist, might look like Dante’s descrip­tion of Hell. But I have no rea­son to believe Dante would have mer­ited access to these areas while I would not. I’m a man­ager, for cripes sakes.

Did you see Cer­berus?
There is no gate to the vil­lage of Hell, and thus no three-headed dogs guard­ing it. If “lower regions” exist and there is a gate to these regions, I didn’t see it.

Did you see the river Styx?
Yes. But the locals call it Hell Creek. Hell creek is dammed (appro­pri­ately enough), cre­at­ing a lake that, I’m told, is very pleas­ant to swim in.

Do peo­ple who take a dip become immor­tal, like Achilles?
Nobody will say. When Achilles was killed, his mother, Thetis, filed a law­suit against Hades for false adver­tis­ing. Ever since then, the extra­or­di­nary qual­i­ties of Hell Creek have been down­played. I’d have tested it myself, but it was freez­ing when I was there, and liv­ing for­ever just didn’t seem worth it.

So did you see Hades, then?
No. Hades retired from pub­lic life not long after the Achilles scan­dal. He now runs a Hoot­ers restau­rant in Saginaw.

Were the peo­ple nice to you?
The peo­ple were extremely nice, as you would expect from a Mid­west­ern, small-town com­mu­nity. If this runs counter to your hell-logical sen­si­tiv­i­ties, then con­sider one of the fol­low­ing: either the res­i­dents of Hell are demons who wel­come a break from being cruel, or the res­i­dents of Hell are the human damned who wel­come the break from being tor­tured. I reckon they’re just good ‘ol Mid­west­ern folk, but I’m not going to force my reli­gious con­vic­tions on others.

Hell actu­ally sounds a lot more bor­ing than I imag­ined. Is it?
Admit­tedly, most of the fun in vis­it­ing Hell is in telling peo­ple you’ve been there. But isn’t that true about most places? How many times have you heard peo­ple vis­it­ing the Grand Canyon say, “This is it???” Sure… it hap­pens all the time. But I’ll visit Hell again. I thought it was fun.

Where do I get some of that pre­mium mer­chan­dise you brought back from your trip?
You can just go to Hell.

Or you can visit Hell’s web­site at www.hell2u.com.

* Hell, Michi­gan