FAQ to Hell
Posted by | Filed under Oddities
One of my co-workers/friends went to Hell* recently and upon his return sent out this FAQ regarding his visit.
Is there a highway to Hell?
Yes. It is Michigan county road D-32. And yes, I was also disappointed with this designation. For fun, the residents of Hell like to call the highway Route 666, but apparently the officials of Livingston County don’t have a sense of humor.Is the road to Hell really paved with good intentions?
Yes. But, not surprisingly, good intentions look and feel a lot like asphalt.Is Hell under-ground?
The village of Hell is not under-ground. Or, at least the tourist spots aren’t. It’s possible that the shop I stopped in had a back way to the under-ground areas of Hell, but apparently I didn’t have security clearance to see that.Isn’t it true that once you enter Hell, you can never leave?
Yes, unless you are awarded an exit visa. In order to secure an exit visa, all you have to do is buy something in Hell’s gift shop.Uh… that doesn’t make sense. If all it took to get out of Hell was to buy a hokey souvenir, wouldn’t tortured souls be leaving Hell in droves?
Tortured souls don’t have money. Duh. And besides, what can be more torturous than knowing that you could escape Hell if only you had one lousy dollar to buy a “See You In Hell” refrigerator magnet? (There is one theologian who believes that Hell exit visas did, in fact, result in a mass exodus from Hell in 1992, explaining the unusually high number of people who, in the presidential election that year, voted for Ross Perot.)What is the temperature of Hell?
This is a very important question, as people are constantly saying things like, “It’s hotter than Hell” or “It’s colder than Hell”, clearly without knowing what they are talking about. The truth is, the temperature in the village of Hell varies, like the rest of Michigan, with the seasons. This makes sense when you think about it. Nothing says “Hell” like not knowing what to wear in the spring and fall.Did you see any demons?
Since demons typically move about in disguise, this is an impossible question to answer. I did see a guy driving a pickup with a “Perot in ‘04” bumper-sticker on it, though.Did you meet Satan?
No. Contrary to popular belief, Satan does not reside in Hell. No rock stars were living there either. Not above-ground, anyway.Did Hell look anything like Dante’s Inferno?
Dante’s Inferno is a work of fiction. I suppose it’s possible that the under-ground areas of Hell, if they exist, might look like Dante’s description of Hell. But I have no reason to believe Dante would have merited access to these areas while I would not. I’m a manager, for cripes sakes.Did you see Cerberus?
There is no gate to the village of Hell, and thus no three-headed dogs guarding it. If “lower regions” exist and there is a gate to these regions, I didn’t see it.Did you see the river Styx?
Yes. But the locals call it Hell Creek. Hell creek is dammed (appropriately enough), creating a lake that, I’m told, is very pleasant to swim in.Do people who take a dip become immortal, like Achilles?
Nobody will say. When Achilles was killed, his mother, Thetis, filed a lawsuit against Hades for false advertising. Ever since then, the extraordinary qualities of Hell Creek have been downplayed. I’d have tested it myself, but it was freezing when I was there, and living forever just didn’t seem worth it.So did you see Hades, then?
No. Hades retired from public life not long after the Achilles scandal. He now runs a Hooters restaurant in Saginaw.Were the people nice to you?
The people were extremely nice, as you would expect from a Midwestern, small-town community. If this runs counter to your hell-logical sensitivities, then consider one of the following: either the residents of Hell are demons who welcome a break from being cruel, or the residents of Hell are the human damned who welcome the break from being tortured. I reckon they’re just good ‘ol Midwestern folk, but I’m not going to force my religious convictions on others.Hell actually sounds a lot more boring than I imagined. Is it?
Admittedly, most of the fun in visiting Hell is in telling people you’ve been there. But isn’t that true about most places? How many times have you heard people visiting the Grand Canyon say, “This is it???” Sure… it happens all the time. But I’ll visit Hell again. I thought it was fun.Where do I get some of that premium merchandise you brought back from your trip?
You can just go to Hell.Or you can visit Hell’s website at www.hell2u.com.
Abortion
Posted by | Filed under Politics
Given that I’m waiting for some fresh code to come back for me to test, I figured I’d take a moment to post my view on the subject. If you’re sensitive to these sorts of issues and would just rather skip this post; stop reading now. Otherwise, click more…
Air America Radio
Posted by | Filed under Politics
As much as I love my iPod; sometimes I get tired of listening to music and need something else. Recently Air America Radio started broadcasting, though not yet in my area of the country. Fortunately for me, they do have a live audio stream off their website. Initially I was somewhat upset by their choice to use RealPlayer, but like CarTalk and the BBC they’re providing links to directly download the free version. I ‘d sort of looked at downloading the free version of RealPlayer when the BBC started this, but wasn’t impressed with the direct link they were offering. However from what I’d been hearing about Air America, I really wanted to start listening to it. So I gave RealPlayer another chance and this time it really was a direct link and I soon had RealPlayer 10 installed on my station. Then I tuned into Air America and have been listening to it all week long. Mostly I listen to it in the afternoon and catch Randi Rhodes show, but this morning I tuned in earlier and have been listening to Unfiltered, which I like a lot better.
This morning the Unfiltered crew pointed out a rather disturbing quirk in our current tax code. If you’re self-employed and buy a Hummer (or some other 6,000+ lb. vehicle); you can deduct upto $100,000 of the cost of that vehicle from your taxes. On the other hand, if you buy a hybrid vehicle (such as the Toyota Prius) in 2004; you’ll get a $1,500 deduction, next year it’ll only be $1,000, the year after $500. This totally encourages people to buy more monsterously wasteful vehicles rather than environmentally friendly ones. I understand that the massive cut on the big vehicles is intended to help businesses, but shouldn’t it then be restricted to certain types of vehicles or businesses (i.e. farm equipment)?
If we restricted it more, then less people would be likely to buy more vehicle than they need, which might hurt the Hummer company but would be better for our environment. And if at the same time we started restricting what businesses could get that massive cut; we increased the deductible on hybrid and possibly even alternative fuel vehicles; it seems to me that we would enable the people who need to buy those massive vehicles the means to do so while reducing our dependenacy on foreign oil and the reduced emissions from the hybrids would help reduce the amount of damage we’re doing to the environment everyday.
For the record, I don’t own a hybrid yet but I’m seriously considering one for my next car. Edmunds.com has an interesting article talking about some of the hybrids that are coming out in the 2005 year. They’ve also got a bit of preview info on a Honda Accord hybrid that’s supposed to be coming out this fall, but I probably won’t have the money for a new car for another year or two. I suppose it’s just as well; as I tend to avoid buying new cars (due to the expense) and new cars in their first year as that’s the year I feel most bugs are found in the vehicle.
I’ve kind of wander around here a bit, so to sum up:
- Air America Radio rocks!
- RealPlayer 10 isn’t as bad as some of it’s older versions were.
- Big surprise, our tax system is screwed up!
- Hybrid vehicles are cool and I want one!
Survivor (part 2)
Posted by | Filed under Books, Reviews
I finished reading Chuck Palahniuk’s Survivor last night and contrary to my early thoughts on the book; I did end up sort of liking the book. It’s not what I would call a good read at all, but rather the story seems to suddenly get interesting once you’re about halfway through.
Kind of like you’re on a long road trip; it’s been raining for the last hour; the sky suddenly clears up, just in time to give you a perfect view of a massive, bloody car accident up ahead. You don’t really want to look, but you do anyway.
Overall, I’d say this book is worth 2.75 points out of 5.
For now, I’ve gone back to reading Masterpieces: The Best Science Fiction of the 20th Century and am roughly halfway through. So far none of the stories in the collection have been stinkers, but here’s plenty of reading left to do and no more time for writing as I have to dash off to work.
Survivor
Posted by | Filed under Books, Reviews
Yesterday, a fiend friend tossed Chuck Palahniuk’s Survivor at me and said it was a book that I had to read. Since Masterpieces is a collection of short stories; I figured I’d humor him and read the book.
So far I’m only about 3–4 chapters in and I’m already wishing I’d told him to piss off. The book is gloomy and dreary, not at all my sort of read. Since I said I’d read it; read it I shall but this looks more like something I’ll be struggling to finish rather than racing through it. I just don’t care for doom & gloom books all that much. Ah well, you win some; you lose some.















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