Like many wage slaves in the US today, I recently had to fill out a self-evaluation form. After doing so, I started to wonder what these useless time wasters would look like if both the employer & employee were being completely honest…
Employee Self-Appraisal Form
Instructions
To complete electronically, use the Tab key to go to the next field. To complete analogly: print this off, pull that pen out of your ass ear and scribble in your answers.
Name: Mark
Enslavement Date: 02 June 1997
Department: Crappy Code Catchers
Job Title: Intensification Whiz
Appraisal Period: From – Then, To – Now
Objective
This form is designed for you to explain to management how you’re screwing the company out of it’s money. It’s your chance to step back from the day-to-day pressures of your thralldom, and take an honest look at where you’ve been, where you are and what other company you might want to go to in the future.
Appraisal Procedures:
- Complete this Self Appraisal Form, print out, and return to your manager via CONFIDENTIAL Interoffice envelope. Do NOT send your via diskettes or Internet email! Do NOT save this form to either the corporate LAN or your corporate PC hard drive! If you must save the document, please do so on a floppy disk. This way we can be sure that the original copy of your review can never be recovered should you decide to disagree with management’s assessment of your worthlessness.
- Your supervisor will complete his appraisal of you. Most likely, this will take next to no time at all as they’re just going to blow you off exactly like they did last year. Management will then review your self appraisal and your supervisor’s evaluation to develop a GOALS & PERSONAL IMPROVEMENT PLAN for you to review before they fire you.
- Supervisor meets with you to give you your termination notice. During this exit interview, you and the supervisor will discuss each appraisal topic, areas that need to be addressed, your career path, and the steps that need to be taken to get you on your way to your next employer. Specific goals will be set for the next review period; if you are so fortunate as to be staying with our company.
- The original form must be signed and then placed in your permanent record. That way when your mind finally snaps; we can turn it over to the NSA.
Elements of your Job:
Describe your primary responsibilities and duties — your job description, as you understand it. While we’ve changed your job description approximately 8 times in 6 months; if you get this wrong, you will be fired.
Avoiding as much real work as possible.
Maintaining the illusion that I’m doing real work whenever under direction observation by either a supervisor or a manager.
Collect paychecks.
Eat the free donuts.
Accomplishments:
List your major accomplishments and contributions during this past review period. If you didn’t have any, don’t expect to be getting another pay check from us.
Avoided being downsized during reorganization.
Improvements made since your last appriasal:
What have you done to make it worth our while to keep you around instead of hiring a chimp to do your job?
Photographed company CEO “boinking” his secretary, but haven’t given copies of the images to his wife.
Self-Management:
Face it, you’re a screw up and we know it. So be honest and tell us exactly how you’ve been screwing up this year.
Failed to find another job.
Job Satisfaction:
A) What part of your job interests you the most?
Payday.
B) The least?
Coming to work every day.
Training:
Is what part of your job do you feel particularly inferior?
Coming to work.
What got in your way:
Find something (or somebody else) to blame for your shortcomings this year.
It’s all Wally’s fault.
Fully Utilitized:
How can we more fully exploit you?
I plead the 5th.
Personal Influences:
Note any personal factors that you feel should be considered in your present assignment or future jobs.
Do you mean beside that bong I smoked after chugging down my martini lunch?
Leadership/Employee Development
List for us all the ways you were able to bully your cow-orkers and/or underlings into doing your work for you.
See my answer to “Improvements made since your last appriasal:”
List project goals you are currently focused on:
- Collecting my paycheck.
- Building up vacation/sick time.
- Calculating the maximum amount of belly-button lint that will fit in an empty Coke can.
Personal improvement goals:
Since we know you’ve spent the past year screwing around on company time; can you list some things you could do to improve your productivity (if you were still working here next year)?
I could try actually working for once.
Where do you want your career to go:
What company do you want to be working in one year? In three years? In five years?
Screw all this, I just wanna win the Powerball and be independentally wealthy for the rest of my life.
General management comments:
Since we all know you’re going to be fired; here’s your one real shot to blame management for your failures. Note to secretary: Please cover this section in white-out before passing on to management. Thanks!
You’re all a bunch of bleepards!
Additional comments:
Any parting words?
Piss off!
