Monthly Archives: April, 2004

Signs That You’ve Been Watching Too Many Home Remodeling Shows

  • You keep hoping that Surprise by Design will come to your apartment.
  • You find yourself admiring the designs they come up with on Trading Spaces.
  • You audition for ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition to try and get your dog house rebuilt
  • Some of your friends take a vacation, ask you to housesit their place and you remodel their bathroom the week that they’re gone.

Masterpieces: The Best Science Fiction of the 20th Century

I finished reading Masterpieces: The Best Science Fiction of the 20th Century the other day. It’s a good, but not great collection. I say that because each story in the collection is a well written and enjoyable; however I realize now that I’m not particularly fond of short shorties or at least, not a random collection of short stories which is what the overall feel of this collection is. There’s no underlying theme to the stories that were selected and that really weaks the impact of each of the stories. Still, it’s filled with good stories by good authors; so I’ll give it 3 out of 5 points.

I’ve already started reading Elizabeth Peter’s The Golden One. To be honest, I started reading it the other day and just forgot to update my blog; so I’ve nearly finished it and I’m finding it to be highly enjoyable though I’m somewhat glad that it’s the last of Ms. Peter’s books that we have around the house. I like her characters and her writing style isn’t bad but I’ve just about had my fill of mysteries for now and I’ve got a bunch of used books from the last sale at our local library. That’s all for now; till next, happy page turning.

Clever Little Sayings

Back in my high school days, I used to collect buttons with various different sayings on them. These days, I use those buttons to decorate my cube at work. A friend stopped by my cube today and mentioned a saying he saw on an Internet message board and it inspired me to write this post.

The saying he mentioned to me:

Jesus saves! All others take damage as normal

The buttons on my cube walls:

  • So Much To Do, So Few People To Do It For Me
  • Why Let Reality Wreck Your Day?
  • I’m so bored, I may resort to doing some work.
  • Support Your Local Planet
  • Legally, It’s Questionable.
    Morally, It’s Disgusting.
    Personally, I Like It.
  • I Intend To Live Forever, Or Die Trying.
  • Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice.
  • Computer Lesson One: Nice Computers Don’t Go down.
    Computer Lesson Two: There Is No Such Thing As A Nice Computer.
  • Spoil Me!
  • To Be The Best, Kill The Rest.
  • Born To Run
    (To The Fridge Between Commercials.)
  • If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
  • 4 out of 5
    voices in my head say
    “GO FOR IT”
  • Nuke’em Till They Glow, Then Shoot’em In The Dark.
  • You’re perverted, twisted & sick.
    I like that in a person.
  • We are the people our parents warned us about.
  • We,
    the unwilling
    lead by the unknowing,
    are doing the impossible,
    for the ungrateful.
  • Excuse Me While I Change Into Something More Formidable.
  • I’d Humilate You But I’m Afraid You Might Like It.
  • God’s In A Meeting – May I Help You?
  • The only difference between a lawyer and a vulture is removable wing tips.
  • Go ahead and talk to me.
    My day was ruined anyway.
  • Piss me off, pay the consequences.
  • Stop Staring At Me When I’m Invisible!
  • It isn’t being weird.
  • Don’t mess with me, man.
    I’M CRAZY.
  • What is it about “no” that confuses you?
  • Another Brilliant Mind Ruined By Education.
  • If At First You Don’t Succeed, But The GM’s Pizza.
  • Accepting reality is the first step to insanity.
  • I DON’T DO MORNINGS
  • Rock Is Dead – Long live paper and scissors
  • Does The Noise In My Head Bother You?

Right, that’s my bit of sharing for today. Your assignment is to find another clever little saying that you can post on your own blog or write in a comment on this post.

FAQ to Hell

One of my co-workers/friends went to Hell* recently and upon his return sent out this FAQ regarding his visit.

Is there a highway to Hell?
Yes. It is Michigan county road D-32. And yes, I was also disappointed with this designation. For fun, the residents of Hell like to call the highway Route 666, but apparently the officials of Livingston County don’t have a sense of humor.

Is the road to Hell really paved with good intentions?
Yes. But, not surprisingly, good intentions look and feel a lot like asphalt.

Is Hell under-ground?
The village of Hell is not under-ground. Or, at least the tourist spots aren’t. It’s possible that the shop I stopped in had a back way to the under-ground areas of Hell, but apparently I didn’t have security clearance to see that.

Isn’t it true that once you enter Hell, you can never leave?
Yes, unless you are awarded an exit visa. In order to secure an exit visa, all you have to do is buy something in Hell’s gift shop.

Uh… that doesn’t make sense. If all it took to get out of Hell was to buy a hokey souvenir, wouldn’t tortured souls be leaving Hell in droves?
Tortured souls don’t have money. Duh. And besides, what can be more torturous than knowing that you could escape Hell if only you had one lousy dollar to buy a “See You In Hell” refrigerator magnet? (There is one theologian who believes that Hell exit visas did, in fact, result in a mass exodus from Hell in 1992, explaining the unusually high number of people who, in the presidential election that year, voted for Ross Perot.)

What is the temperature of Hell?
This is a very important question, as people are constantly saying things like, “It’s hotter than Hell” or “It’s colder than Hell”, clearly without knowing what they are talking about. The truth is, the temperature in the village of Hell varies, like the rest of Michigan, with the seasons. This makes sense when you think about it. Nothing says “Hell” like not knowing what to wear in the spring and fall.

Did you see any demons?
Since demons typically move about in disguise, this is an impossible question to answer. I did see a guy driving a pickup with a “Perot in ‘04” bumper-sticker on it, though.

Did you meet Satan?
No. Contrary to popular belief, Satan does not reside in Hell. No rock stars were living there either. Not above-ground, anyway.

Did Hell look anything like Dante’s Inferno?
Dante’s Inferno is a work of fiction. I suppose it’s possible that the under-ground areas of Hell, if they exist, might look like Dante’s description of Hell. But I have no reason to believe Dante would have merited access to these areas while I would not. I’m a manager, for cripes sakes.

Did you see Cerberus?
There is no gate to the village of Hell, and thus no three-headed dogs guarding it. If “lower regions” exist and there is a gate to these regions, I didn’t see it.

Did you see the river Styx?
Yes. But the locals call it Hell Creek. Hell creek is dammed (appropriately enough), creating a lake that, I’m told, is very pleasant to swim in.

Do people who take a dip become immortal, like Achilles?
Nobody will say. When Achilles was killed, his mother, Thetis, filed a lawsuit against Hades for false advertising. Ever since then, the extraordinary qualities of Hell Creek have been downplayed. I’d have tested it myself, but it was freezing when I was there, and living forever just didn’t seem worth it.

So did you see Hades, then?
No. Hades retired from public life not long after the Achilles scandal. He now runs a Hooters restaurant in Saginaw.

Were the people nice to you?
The people were extremely nice, as you would expect from a Midwestern, small-town community. If this runs counter to your hell-logical sensitivities, then consider one of the following: either the residents of Hell are demons who welcome a break from being cruel, or the residents of Hell are the human damned who welcome the break from being tortured. I reckon they’re just good ‘ol Midwestern folk, but I’m not going to force my religious convictions on others.

Hell actually sounds a lot more boring than I imagined. Is it?
Admittedly, most of the fun in visiting Hell is in telling people you’ve been there. But isn’t that true about most places? How many times have you heard people visiting the Grand Canyon say, “This is it???” Sure… it happens all the time. But I’ll visit Hell again. I thought it was fun.

Where do I get some of that premium merchandise you brought back from your trip?
You can just go to Hell.

Or you can visit Hell’s website at www.hell2u.com.

* Hell, Michigan

Abortion

Given that I’m waiting for some fresh code to come back for me to test, I figured I’d take a moment to post my view on the subject. If you’re sensitive to these sorts of issues and would just rather skip this post; stop reading now. Otherwise, click more…

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