Category Archives: Oddities

Good Signs

A coworker of mine forwarded me the following list of signs:

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men
– Women’s rest room Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
– Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
– Armand’s Pizza, Washington , DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
– Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
– The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
– Men’s Room in Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
– Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
– Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
– Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
– Revolution Books in New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
– Men’s restroom in House of Representatives, Washington , DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
– Sign over one of the urinals in Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him.
– Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom in Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills ,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
– Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills ,CA

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
– Women’s restroom in Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Signs That You’ve Been Watching Too Many Home Remodeling Shows

  • You keep hoping that Surprise by Design will come to your apartment.
  • You find yourself admiring the designs they come up with on Trading Spaces.
  • You audition for ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition to try and get your dog house rebuilt
  • Some of your friends take a vacation, ask you to housesit their place and you remodel their bathroom the week that they’re gone.

Clever Little Sayings

Back in my high school days, I used to collect buttons with various different sayings on them. These days, I use those buttons to decorate my cube at work. A friend stopped by my cube today and mentioned a saying he saw on an Internet message board and it inspired me to write this post.

The saying he mentioned to me:

Jesus saves! All others take damage as normal

The buttons on my cube walls:

  • So Much To Do, So Few People To Do It For Me
  • Why Let Reality Wreck Your Day?
  • I’m so bored, I may resort to doing some work.
  • Support Your Local Planet
  • Legally, It’s Questionable.
    Morally, It’s Disgusting.
    Personally, I Like It.
  • I Intend To Live Forever, Or Die Trying.
  • Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice.
  • Computer Lesson One: Nice Computers Don’t Go down.
    Computer Lesson Two: There Is No Such Thing As A Nice Computer.
  • Spoil Me!
  • To Be The Best, Kill The Rest.
  • Born To Run
    (To The Fridge Between Commercials.)
  • If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
  • 4 out of 5
    voices in my head say
    “GO FOR IT”
  • Nuke’em Till They Glow, Then Shoot’em In The Dark.
  • You’re perverted, twisted & sick.
    I like that in a person.
  • We are the people our parents warned us about.
  • We,
    the unwilling
    lead by the unknowing,
    are doing the impossible,
    for the ungrateful.
  • Excuse Me While I Change Into Something More Formidable.
  • I’d Humilate You But I’m Afraid You Might Like It.
  • God’s In A Meeting – May I Help You?
  • The only difference between a lawyer and a vulture is removable wing tips.
  • Go ahead and talk to me.
    My day was ruined anyway.
  • Piss me off, pay the consequences.
  • Stop Staring At Me When I’m Invisible!
  • It isn’t being weird.
  • Don’t mess with me, man.
    I’M CRAZY.
  • What is it about “no” that confuses you?
  • Another Brilliant Mind Ruined By Education.
  • If At First You Don’t Succeed, But The GM’s Pizza.
  • Accepting reality is the first step to insanity.
  • I DON’T DO MORNINGS
  • Rock Is Dead – Long live paper and scissors
  • Does The Noise In My Head Bother You?

Right, that’s my bit of sharing for today. Your assignment is to find another clever little saying that you can post on your own blog or write in a comment on this post.

FAQ to Hell

One of my co-workers/friends went to Hell* recently and upon his return sent out this FAQ regarding his visit.

Is there a highway to Hell?
Yes. It is Michigan county road D-32. And yes, I was also disappointed with this designation. For fun, the residents of Hell like to call the highway Route 666, but apparently the officials of Livingston County don’t have a sense of humor.

Is the road to Hell really paved with good intentions?
Yes. But, not surprisingly, good intentions look and feel a lot like asphalt.

Is Hell under-ground?
The village of Hell is not under-ground. Or, at least the tourist spots aren’t. It’s possible that the shop I stopped in had a back way to the under-ground areas of Hell, but apparently I didn’t have security clearance to see that.

Isn’t it true that once you enter Hell, you can never leave?
Yes, unless you are awarded an exit visa. In order to secure an exit visa, all you have to do is buy something in Hell’s gift shop.

Uh… that doesn’t make sense. If all it took to get out of Hell was to buy a hokey souvenir, wouldn’t tortured souls be leaving Hell in droves?
Tortured souls don’t have money. Duh. And besides, what can be more torturous than knowing that you could escape Hell if only you had one lousy dollar to buy a “See You In Hell” refrigerator magnet? (There is one theologian who believes that Hell exit visas did, in fact, result in a mass exodus from Hell in 1992, explaining the unusually high number of people who, in the presidential election that year, voted for Ross Perot.)

What is the temperature of Hell?
This is a very important question, as people are constantly saying things like, “It’s hotter than Hell” or “It’s colder than Hell”, clearly without knowing what they are talking about. The truth is, the temperature in the village of Hell varies, like the rest of Michigan, with the seasons. This makes sense when you think about it. Nothing says “Hell” like not knowing what to wear in the spring and fall.

Did you see any demons?
Since demons typically move about in disguise, this is an impossible question to answer. I did see a guy driving a pickup with a “Perot in ‘04” bumper-sticker on it, though.

Did you meet Satan?
No. Contrary to popular belief, Satan does not reside in Hell. No rock stars were living there either. Not above-ground, anyway.

Did Hell look anything like Dante’s Inferno?
Dante’s Inferno is a work of fiction. I suppose it’s possible that the under-ground areas of Hell, if they exist, might look like Dante’s description of Hell. But I have no reason to believe Dante would have merited access to these areas while I would not. I’m a manager, for cripes sakes.

Did you see Cerberus?
There is no gate to the village of Hell, and thus no three-headed dogs guarding it. If “lower regions” exist and there is a gate to these regions, I didn’t see it.

Did you see the river Styx?
Yes. But the locals call it Hell Creek. Hell creek is dammed (appropriately enough), creating a lake that, I’m told, is very pleasant to swim in.

Do people who take a dip become immortal, like Achilles?
Nobody will say. When Achilles was killed, his mother, Thetis, filed a lawsuit against Hades for false advertising. Ever since then, the extraordinary qualities of Hell Creek have been downplayed. I’d have tested it myself, but it was freezing when I was there, and living forever just didn’t seem worth it.

So did you see Hades, then?
No. Hades retired from public life not long after the Achilles scandal. He now runs a Hooters restaurant in Saginaw.

Were the people nice to you?
The people were extremely nice, as you would expect from a Midwestern, small-town community. If this runs counter to your hell-logical sensitivities, then consider one of the following: either the residents of Hell are demons who welcome a break from being cruel, or the residents of Hell are the human damned who welcome the break from being tortured. I reckon they’re just good ‘ol Midwestern folk, but I’m not going to force my religious convictions on others.

Hell actually sounds a lot more boring than I imagined. Is it?
Admittedly, most of the fun in visiting Hell is in telling people you’ve been there. But isn’t that true about most places? How many times have you heard people visiting the Grand Canyon say, “This is it???” Sure… it happens all the time. But I’ll visit Hell again. I thought it was fun.

Where do I get some of that premium merchandise you brought back from your trip?
You can just go to Hell.

Or you can visit Hell’s website at www.hell2u.com.

* Hell, Michigan

Disturbing Stuffed Animals

Here I am sitting at my desk, trying to figure out whether or the program I test is working correctly or not. I’m going over some printouts when a co-worker walks up trying to sell stuffed animals as a fund raiser for March of Dimes; only I’m out of cash and politely tell her so. As she’s walking away another of my co-workers starts talking to her about the stuffed animals and that’s when I take a real look at them. They’re little brown bunnies but instead of feet the bunnies have putrid green lambs I think the idea is supposed to be that the toy is wearing lamb slippers, but the result to my tired and twisted brain is that the bunnies are the survivors of some mad scientists genetic experiments.

You know the more I think about those bunnies; the more I think I should go get some cash and buy one. 😀

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